Lyrics to "Seat Back Table"

I'm a frequent flyer man, I've been on lots of planes, Got my frequent flyer miles, Flown from JFK to Spain, Been warned about the smoke alarm In the bathroom -- don't disable! But what really makes me crazy Is that goddamn seat back table. (And this is what I say...) Gonna raise my seat back table To its upright and locked position, In case we go through turbulence Or some other strange condition, Gonna bring my seat back table To where its gotta be, Lord, that creepy flight attendant Is beginning to get to me. I asked the airline for an aisle seat But they stuck me in the middle In between two psychopaths, On their lips I see some spittle. The strange one on my left Must weigh 500 pounds, The other guy won't shut up And looks like a basset hound. Gonna raise my seat back table Gonna lock it before we land Gonna fasten my damn safety belt Cause I'm a first class man. I'm drinking gin, eating sushi, Reading Fast Company and Business Week Sitting on my first class tushie (Don't let coach class in to peek). I'm told to stow my carry ons Underneath a nearby seat But no one tells me what to do With my size eleven feet. It's not exactly spacious here, There ain't too much leg room I think I'd be more comfortable Flying red eye on a broom. Gonna raise my seat back table To its upright and fully locked position Just in case the plane goes down And I'm needing a physician, Don't want no seat back table In the middle of my chest, I'm still 6 hours from LA And I need to get some rest. They tell me that my cushion Can be used as a "flotation device," But up here in the clouds The thought of swimming ain't too nice, Somehow I get the feeling If we had a water landing, I'd be somewhere on the ceiling And not too understanding. Gonna raise my seat back table To its upright and locked position Cause I'm a frequent flyer man On a first class business mission. I'm on my way to New York To close that monster deal (The coffee tastes like motor oil And my pasta has congealed). They tell me 'bout the oxygen mask And how to reach for the elastic, But falling 30,000 feet I think I'd end up spastic. Secure the mask to my face first Then help the child beside me? That's a lot to ask a man, Flying shit-faced in economy. Gonna raise my seat back table, To its upright and locked position, I'm just a frequent flyer man Enduring FAA tradition, Gonna raise my seat back table Lord, I hope it's not too late Or they'll be sure to bust me Before we taxi to the gate.